Ceilings

why is it that the times when im at my happiest i start to deceive myself?...
it's irrational to believe me to be capable of such, yet it happens.
im pathetically captivated by my own sense of perception -
its as if i decided everything that happens does so simply because i need to analyze it.
as if the fact that im me, means that i can decipher the world
one occurrence at a time...
if i look a certain direction and see something i didnt expect, it was put there for a reason,
a reason i dont understand, no matter how deep into i look.
perhaps thats where my fault lies - im digging too deep and hitting rock..
maybe i need to dig in other directions, but what other direction do i dig if not down.
do i look to my sides for ways around the stone?
do i look to the sky for answers i'll probably never know?
or do i wait for a fog to roll in and blind me to my quandary entirely..
its abstruse... and it's fitting that my blog be named as such too.
"the fluid mechanism of abstrusity"
the only thing fluidly mechanical about any of this was that i was way too cocky when i named this site.
way too cocky to realize that my mind would play the kinds of tricks on me i thought my words would play on everybody else.
i read the entries below this one and try to remember what caused me to write them...
and i see a pattern.
they are almost all of them fraught with a degree of arrogance that i merely masquerade,
yet i read them and share them as if they define me...
but do i want to be defined as maligned and bitterly introspective?
thats not me.

i dont even know what's happening anymore..
and when i think i have a grasp on what's around me...

it slips away...


staring at ceilings is a great way to make myself think...

and right now..i think im just tired...